No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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