There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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