i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
