i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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