well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
