tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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