i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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