Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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