Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
