You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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