I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
