NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
