I just pynch a tree in the face
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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