I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
