Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize