You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
