he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
