she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
