Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
