swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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