Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize