i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
