Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
