Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
