Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
