People with herpes should wear stickers.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
