new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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