hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
