when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Ketchup is God's man juice
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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