they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
