Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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