I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
