Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
