y did u give ur computer a hand job?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
whose ass print is on the piano?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
