i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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