my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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