She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Randomize
