he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Randomize
