He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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