I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
