He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Actions speak louder than pants.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
