Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
