I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
