I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
