if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
