Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
