Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
