Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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