meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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