I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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