Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
