i think my tv is drunk
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
