this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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