the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
