can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
